Ridin’ into town alone
By the light of the moon
I’m looking for ole’ Sukie Jones
She crazy horse saloon…
Well, I’m not sure I am 100% BAAAACK! into anything but I am quite sure that the edges of mucky chaos are receding & pulling back from my life. My brain is beginning to twitch as I read headlines; my fingers-n-toe-tips are starting to itch with the urge to…well, just to do. Something. Anything. Yes, please. I’ll take it. All of it…The itches & twitches are signs of (new) life and after having drained my energy down to the last drop of marrow over the past year or so, it’s good to know there’s enough of ~Me~ kicking around in here somewhere to still count as Alive and Present…And Itching for adventure, of course.
Death can have some strange effects on families/family members and the roles we hold/play within our family. (More so when the family is already plenty full o’ strange to start with…) Within my particular unit of kin, I am one of those blessed people known as, “A Strong One”. Now, either you are one and you know what I mean when I say the phrase carries a tremendous amount of weight attached to it…Or…You’ve leaned on one of us “Strong Ones” during a time of crisis – and I hope to hell you thanked your Leaning Tree for giving you a branch to rest your burdens on afterwards. Some of us are so fortunate as to have had multiple chances to ~Strong Up~ and so our reputations from Crisis Past haunt us as expectations of our SuperDuperPowers & capabilities get stacked ever higher with each Crisis Present. Oh…Yay. Oh…joy.
“It’s always just so easy for you!”
“Not everyone is so detached & unemotional as you are; this stuff really hurts us.”
“Some of us just aren’t strong & can’t deal with things as easily as you do…”
I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard variations of those lame lines o’ whines over a lifetime – but I can surely add another 50 times from this past year to that uncountable-count. And so what if you, A Strong One, just don’t wanna______________? Yes, well…not many people ever really ask if you want to, or feel like, doing all off the Things-N-Stuffs required to pull “The Unit” through hard times so it doesn’t really matter, now does it? Who is John Galt? No point asking questions when no one wants the answer; they just want you to DO whatever it takes to get them through.
Amelia Earhart summed things up perfectly for me ~
“The most effective way to do it, is to do it.”
And so, I did it. All of “It”…Everything that needed to be done and then a thousand more things just for good measure. No matter what anyone tossed at me or blind-sided me with, requests were filled, demands were met…and of course, plenty of meals were served out of my kitchen. “Only too much is ever enough”, was Dad’s life-motto and I made damned sure that he only had too much of everything (and then some!) before he died.
Now I can’t help but sit here tonight (Wow! Have 2 months already passed..?!) and appreciate a little bit of relief and feel a sense of *Whew* now that it’s all over.
Seriously, *Whew!* I’m not glad he’s dead – but I am damn glad his dying is done!
But now it’s all done and there is no official “Do It” on my list.
Oh. Hrm…Uhm, Shit?
What does a doer do when there is nothing staring them in the face screaming, “DO THIS”…? A doer with no deeds can be a very lost – and scared – soul. When my strength isn’t being pulled from me as fast as I can weave it into existence, I generally have enough to carry myself through… Anything. Everything. I should be okay now, right? *Ahem* But, I seriously have NO idea of what to do now and that scares the buhjeezus out of me. Super-hero-calm-NONFEELING-handler-of-all, my ass! The (Invisible) Purple Magickal Cape that gives me the ability to uhm…Not Feel Anything & Perform 10,000 Miracles during times of extreme crisis and upset has been Moon-Cleaned and is tucked away in my new closet behind my Ruby Slippers & Golden Truth Lasso. I look out the window of my 5th floor apartment and see the huge sprawling new city that we moved to just last weekend down below me…So open, so vast…so…(Terrifyingly) Possibly Possible.
And all I have to do is just…Grab it. Take it. Do it. The whole HUGE Blank Page of “This New Chapter” is right there just waiting for me to pick a tool and make my first stroke of color. No cape or slippers or super-powers of strength needed (tho some times a snuggly cape can be comforting!). So many things got put on hold when Dad got sick that I get mentally wonked upside the head every time I try to stop & think of them all or decide what to do for myself first. I can’t remember where I left off with Life As I Knew It so my only choice is to shrug it off and start forging a new path from where I am now – Even if I am not entirely sure where the hell Here is exactly. For the first time in over 20 years, I do not *Have* to expend my energy on a single thing that I don’t want to do. (Okay, so maybe I’ll walk the dogs even when I’d rather nap…) I don’t have to work unless I want to. I don’t have to taxi the kids anywhere. I don’t have chores to do for my parents.
So, Hells Yes! Of course I’m Itching & Twitching – In spite of whatever nervous fear may be tying my head in knots in this moment, I keep reminding myself that Dad’s life is the one that just ended, not mine. I step out to the balcony and try to peer over the edge for some sight of what The Future might be…
All I can see is smog.
Hehehehe. No, not really. I actually have a semi-wicked view of the Sandia Mountains from here. Every day I’ve watched the clouds play across the ridges and valleys…Areas are solid dark, almost black one moment…But in the blink of an eye, the sun sweeps across and shatters the darkness with pink and purple hues…Nature’s Visual Poetry…
Ahhhh, yes! There it is…The grounding. The big gulps of quiet peace that I’ve needed so desperately. Who cares if I don’t know what to do one moment to the next right now..? Even the fucking clouds don’t seem to know where they’re going – but look at ‘em go anyways! I wonder if all of the clouds itch for new wind currents the way I do? Do they twitch with nervous anticipation when the wind gusts up and tosses them to parts unknown? Are they scared because they can’t see over the next mountain top before they cross it..?
The weightlessness of this new life feels so odd that it’d be easy – and in darker moments, it’s very tempting – to tie myself to the nearest solid post and just stay put. My life is cozy and snug and I could fill it with neighborly chats, mindless lunches out or reading mystery books, ya know? I don’t have to be like a cloud; I could just stay here, on this side of my mountain and never peer over the edge to see what lies beyond the smog. *Yawn* Stretch…Damn, It’s been a long trip, I certainly *deserve* a break, eh? Yeah…but…breaks…Kit-Kat candybars…They’re both great but neither one is satisfying for very long.
~Or~ Fuck the stress break. Fuck hanging around in downtime just because I’m a lot tired and a little scared. I think it’s time to follow Amelia’s lead once again and ~Just Do It~ All of IT, whatever IT might be. A new job? Volunteer work? A political/social cause? Who knows? It’s just time to take a deep breath, go find a less fancy, more ordinary, All Purpose Daily Wear (Mental) Superhero Cape and take the dive into the unknown. Because no matter if I am tired or have just come up through the backside of hell to get to this new place, I know that if I force myself out beyond the Fear of Unknowable Stuff, I’ll love the view as I soar…And if for some reason, I stumble and fall before I make it off my mountain, I’ll just have to suck it up…and turn it into a dive!
~♫~ As you walk along your road
Try to find out just which way to go
If the trail is clear your probably on someone else’s path
So to the woods you go
Deep into the darkness and the great unknown
Blaze through the maze
Until you come upon a place that’s not your future or your past
You walk up to the chasm’s edge now
And jumping is the only way across
Those who seek are never lost
Doesn’t matter who you are doesn’t matter where you go
That cycle just keeps on spinning just as long as your alive
And at times you will be high and at times you will be low
Just remember that when you are falling turn it into a dive ~♫~
Wishing you all a great big, wonderful, adventurous New Year in 2015…Find or make your very own super-hero cape, put it on…And JUST GO DO IT! ~Reb