Hard as I try, I’m still fighting off days of not feeling very Much of My Muchness…
I have a few good days then something (usually family-issue related) spins my head ’round til it’s all backwards and downside-up and then *SPLAT* my brain overloads, explodes while it implodes – and I fall over to play dead for awhile. Lookit me in my possum tree! It’s survival of the asylum; self-preservation and protecting what little Much I have left right now. Unresolved issues, hurts I thought long-dead; current gatherings that strain the brain with familial pain covered over with alcohol aided smiles. Weekends like the one past – so many people brought together in a life-celebration(a wedding)…so many of us in stages of grieving; raw nerves, hurting hearts, happy times…new beginnings, beginnings of endings all jumbled & tossed & spun into one. Stay standing, stay standing; smile, cry a little but smile again and ring-around-the-roses with pockets full of posies, ashes, ashes…we all fall down. At least, I know I fell face-first into 2-day oblivion once obligatory activities were over and the fun was done.
♫ L-I-M-B-O ♫
Limbo is the hardest state of existence for me. Free-falling with a blindfold on is an easier place to reside because you know you can only fall for a limited time before you crash and recover. Limbo just strings you up across the canyon bound with a few stringy threads of web…someday they will snap…one…by…one…maybe, someday. Someday…soon? Maybe. It drives me batshit crazy and worse, it’s making Dad crazy, too, so I get a double-dose of the canyon-limbo dance. “Sonofabitch! I didn’t think the process (of dying) would take this long! Can we get this shit over with already?” he asks…and I sigh with the pain of understanding that frustration. Allow too much of that feeling and I’ll eat a dose of guilt later…tread lightly, don’t shake the threads and make them break before they should…*Sigh*
And again, I retreat to my Possum Tree, share a Slice Of Cake as a status, take several deep breaths & fall into slumber – even if only halfway. I care for those I can – hubby and Dad and kids and me – the Others who refuse to do their own damn work & try to grab onto my thin web must be cut loose…for an hour, a day, a week…until I can reemerge, slightly recharged and able to weave the limbo-webs tighter and stronger…at least for awhile.
~♥~ The Abyss ~♥~
I fear The Abyss; last time I fell in I didn’t think I’d ever see the light of day again. Worse than being bound up by stringy webs, The Abyss dropped me into a bottomless pit – the worst of both worlds – Freefalling In Limbo. I didn’t know Grief then, Continue reading